Gossip

Northwomen

Yippity, Yappity, blah blah (YYBB) the term I have coined when people share their perceived failures of someone with everyone but the person they are talking about.

I see value in the YYBB.  I see an opportunity to lean into the gossip about oneself and realize there is something there. Do I wish that these people would come and share their opinions with me? Absolutely! I have so many follow up questions!  How can I get better without feedback?

Our lives of full of sideline people. You know who I am talking about those who spend time on in your peripheral, commenting, and saying things about you to others.  I have been a sideline person, and if I want to be completely honest, I still catch myself wanting to slip into that role.

I have really thought about this from my perspective for a while. For me, being a sideline person and sharing my own YYBB, was because I was envious of their courage to try something that I feared to do.  So yes, I was jealous that they could go out there unapologetically proud of what they are trying to do, and the voice in my head was stopping me from trying. I craved and wished that I too could find the courage to try similar things.  It’s easy to be a sideline person.

As Oprah says, if you know better, you do better!

So that’s what I did. I hear the chatter, I am aware of the criticism, I know the gaps. How may you ask? I know my short comings better than anyone else.

I have spent many seasons in my life of choosing silent and not so silent self-deprecating talk. I have had years of fearing the YYBB chatter about myself and gave it way too much power. It stopped me from trying new things, it stopped me from learning, it stopped me from being happy.

That was before recovery, before rehab, before my 12 step meetings, before me loving me. I found a way to come to terms with YYBB, stop it from being a trigger, and just go out there and explore and learn without fear of criticism of others, but mostly my own self-criticism.

Now I know better. I know that I must be honest with me. I know that I have the power to decide what role this YYBB will play in my decision making. What role others’ opinions of me will have on taking risks and following my own dreams. And the answer is NONE.

So, if you find yourself YYBB’ing about some to someone else. Stop, and ask yourself why I am wasting my time talking about someone else, when I can spend that time working on me.

If you are afraid of the YYBB of others about you.  Ask yourself what value someone else’s opinion that is not shared with you holds in your life? Do their opinions really matter in your life? Take that time you spend fearing what others may say behind your back and surround yourself with people that have the poise to share their opinion with you. Be okay with feedback from others.  Those people that have confidence in being honest with you.

To those that are Yippity, Yappiting, blah blahing about me and anyone else, please don’t send us a bill for the space we have taken up in your head. You moved us in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Milestone Birthdays

Northwomen

For as long as I can remember, my milestone birthdays sucked. Just the milestone ones. The ones that I made a big deal about. I added all this external pressure that made me feel like I need to hit some big target to prove to the world that I had made it. That I did something with my life. That I deserve to keep on living. I know insane right?

I just turned 50 this year, and let me tell you, this was by far the hardest and most emotional milestone to date.

 

My sweet sixteen ended up being a disaster. It was smack dab in the 80’s and decided to throw this black and white themed birthday party.  I rented a hall and had the coolest DJ around. At some point during the evening, like a 100 uninvited guests showed up and it turned into a crazy event and the cops were called in.  I swear, i should have remembered that moment, and learned from it. But I didn’t. The pressure to reach goals and prove something to the world that I had earned all those candles on my cake simply intensified as I got older.

 

At eighteen, I 100% believed I deserved a brand new car. I actually believed in my head, that my working middle class parents owed me this luxury. That I deserved it. So 18 roles around, and no car, cue the tears. LOL

Honestly, I don’t even remember 21. so we can skip that.

At 30, I had this growing sense of jealously for those around me. I hated that my friends had found their forever people, and that I was miserably alone. That their partners were throwing them these lavish 30th surprise birthday parties while  I was spending my 30th on my own, miserable. It was during this time that I began to withdraw from my social circle. (I will do another blog on this later) Seeing my friends married, with children was way too much for me. There is no other word than JEALOUS. I was jealous of my friends. So I slowly started walking away from them. It didn’t happen overnight, and by the time I reached my next milestone birthday, my friends were gone and I had just handful of people in my life.

40! Well that one I had nothing to do with. My mom and my husband decided they would throw me a surprise party. I really didn’t feel like celebrating. But almost 6 months later, I was surprised to find a group of my friends at one of my favourite restaurant all shouting SURPRISE! It was nice and simple.

Now this past week 50 rolled around. I really was thinking of throwing a great big party. I wanted to do a photo shoot, have a huge party at the beach invite a bunch of friends. It didn’t happen. I was once again feeling the curse of the milestone birthdays, but this time it was worse than ever.

 

I spent half of July and the majority of August in my own grief. Grieving for the life I had already lived. I was lost in my own sadness of what I hadn’t accomplished that I ignored the fact that I had gratitude for what I had a learned, experienced and accomplished in the last 50 years.  I was just focused on the missed opportunities. It was damn hard. I feel for my husband. He had to sit back and just watch me fall apart like he had never seen before.  But now a few days later, I am better. I have found gratitude in what I do have. I have a wonderful relationship, I have my family and my friends. I have my health and my mind, and most importantly I made it to 50. And that is reason to celebrate. Not with a big extravagant party, just with me and those I love the most.

 

 

 

I just hope I deal with 60 better!