For as long as I can remember, my milestone birthdays sucked. Just the milestone ones. The ones that I made a big deal about. I added all this external pressure that made me feel like I need to hit some big target to prove to the world that I had made it. That I did something with my life. That I deserve to keep on living. I know insane right?

I just turned 50 this year, and let me tell you, this was by far the hardest and most emotional milestone to date.

My sweet sixteen ended up being a disaster. It was smack dab in the 80’s and decided to throw this black and white themed birthday party.  I rented a hall and had the coolest DJ around. At some point during the evening, like a 100 uninvited guests showed up and it turned into a crazy event and the cops were called in.  I swear, i should have remembered that moment, and learned from it. But I didn’t. The pressure to reach goals and prove something to the world that I had earned all those candles on my cake simply intensified as I got older.

At eighteen, I 100% believed I deserved a brand new car. I actually believed in my head, that my working middle class parents owed me this luxury. That I deserved it. So 18 roles around, and no car, cue the tears. LOL

Honestly, I don’t even remember 21. so we can skip that.

At 30, I had this growing sense of jealously for those around me. I hated that my friends had found their forever people, and that I was miserably alone. That their partners were throwing them these lavish 30th surprise birthday parties while  I was spending my 30th on my own, miserable. It was during this time that I began to withdraw from my social circle. (I will do another blog on this later) Seeing my friends married, with children was way too much for me. There is no other word than JEALOUS. I was jealous of my friends. So I slowly started walking away from them. It didn’t happen overnight, and by the time I reached my next milestone birthday, my friends were gone and I had just handful of people in my life.

40! Well that one I had nothing to do with. My mom and my husband decided they would throw me a surprise party. I really didn’t feel like celebrating. But almost 6 months later, I was surprised to find a group of my friends at one of my favourite restaurant all shouting SURPRISE! It was nice and simple.

Now this past week 50 rolled around. I really was thinking of throwing a great big party. I wanted to do a photo shoot, have a huge party at the beach invite a bunch of friends. It didn’t happen. I was once again feeling the curse of the milestone birthdays, but this time it was worse than ever.

I spent half of July and the majority of August in my own grief. Grieving for the life I had already lived. I was lost in my own sadness of what I hadn’t accomplished that I ignored the fact that I had gratitude for what I had a learned, experienced and accomplished in the last 50 years.  I was just focused on the missed opportunities. It was damn hard. I feel for my husband. He had to sit back and just watch me fall apart like he had never seen before.  But now a few days later, I am better. I have found gratitude in what I do have. I have a wonderful relationship, I have my family and my friends. I have my health and my mind, and most importantly I made it to 50. And that is reason to celebrate. Not with a big extravagant party, just with me and those I love the most.

I just hope I deal with 60 better!